Monthly Archives: June 2010 - Page 2

Verity

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order”

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Henry Ford is alleged to have said that “it is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.”

Kiwi Sot on Four-Day Bender Continues Drinking After Overturning His Car. Hey, We’ve All Been There.

A Kiwi sot, nearly three times the legal limit, drank beer in his overturned car because he had “nothing better to do” while waiting for police. He’s got a point.

When asked by an officer how much he had to drink, Paul Nigel Sneddon, 47, of Palmerston North, replied: “Plenty. I’ve been drinking for four days straight.” Cue George Jones.

He reported that it was the lowest point in his life, but he did not think it would stop him drinking.

The former baker (I’ll bet he was a master baker) pleaded guilty ito careless driving and having a breath-alcohol limit of 1191mcg. The legal limit is 400mcg. By my calculations, he had a lot.

Police prosecutor Sergeant Ollie Outtrim (Isn’t that what kids say when playing?) said Evel Knievel Sneddon failed to take a corner and crashed through a wooden barrier.

Cops found him trapped in his overturned Ford Laser, drinking from a can of beer.

His lawyer said that when he couldn’t open the doors, “he had nothing else to do at that point, so he had another beer.” What the hell, indeed.

The dipsomaniac Sneddon noted, “I’m separated from my wife, I’ve got no friends, no-one comes to visit me and that job was my whole life,” he said. “So to remove that was to remove my purpose in life.”

Seriously, somebody cue George Jones.

[Source]

“When you’re lonely like I am, you cling to the things that bring you comfort.” Hear, hear.

The “Terlet” Lid Mauler

Calgarian Tyler Lee Nolet was not acting in self-defense “when he hit [a rival gang associate] in the head twice with a toilet tank lid, causing a skull fracture and deadly brain injury.” [Source]

I don’t know why, but this cracks me up. And that wasn’t a pun.

Ladies & Gentlemen, Human Swill

A Salinas, California dirt bag was accused of trying to sell his 6-month-old baby for $25 Tuesday and was then assaulted while being held in Monterey County Jail. Seems his fellow inmates noticed who he was after watching media reports.

Pilars of the community, Patrick Fousek, 38, and acne vulgaris victim and poster child, Samantha Tomasini, 20, the baby’s mother, were arrested by The Man. “Police said Fousek had approached two women and asked to use their cell phone outside Walmart on North Davis Road. After he finished his phone call, they said, Fousek asked the women, who had been playing with the baby, if they would like to purchase his daughter for $25.”

Walmart. Where else?

All I Need Is the Air That I Breathe. And the Electricity that Powers It.

A bill’s a bill, right? I’m tired of these freeloaders using the old “I’m on oxygen and will die if you turn off my power” routine. Well, sure enough, these mamby-pamby, soft-hearted, bleeding-heart liberals are bitching and moaning about this little snafu that happened in the Granite State.

Gov. John Lynch is calling for a statewide review of utility shut-off procedures after the death of a Salem woman relying on an oxygen machine.

Kay Phaneuf, 53, of 18 Charles St. was taken to Caritas Holy Family Hospital in Methuen, Mass., on Monday after rescue workers found her unconscious and without a pulse about 10 a.m. The woman’s husband had stepped out of the house that morning and called 911 after returning home and finding Phaneuf unconscious, Salem police Sgt. Rob Morin said.

Rescue workers were able to resuscitate Phaneuf before transferring her to Holy Family in critical condition. She died Thursday night, according to a hospital spokesman.

About one hour before Phaneuf was found in cardiac arrest, a National Grid meter technician had visited the home to disconnect power, according to David Graves, a spokesman for the company. [Source]

“Don’t Taze My Granny!”

You know, I’m all for giving cops the benefit of the doubt. We often jump on them unfairly and without any perspective or experience on what it means to be a cop. We’re ofttimes guilty of yelling Brutality! a tad prematurely. But then there’s this story.

Police Tasered an 86-year-old disabled grandma in her bed and stepped on her oxygen hose until she couldn’t breathe, after her grandson called 911 seeking medical assistance, the woman and her grandson claim in Oklahoma City Federal Court. Though the grandson said, “Don’t Taze my granny!” an El Reno police officer told another cop to “Taser her!” and wrote in his police report that he did so because the old woman “took a more aggressive posture in her bed,” according to the complaint.

Lonnie Tinsley claims that he called 911 after he went to check on his grandmother, whom he found in her bed, “connected to a portable oxygen concentrator with a long hose.” She is “in marginal health, [and] takes several prescribed medications daily,” and “was unable to tell him exactly when she had taken her meds,” so, Tinsley says, he called 911 “to ask for an emergency medical technician to come to her apartment to evaluate her.”

In response, “as many as ten El Reno police” officers “pushed their way through the door,” according to the complaint.

The grandma, Lona Varner, “told them to get out of her apartment.”

The remarkable complaint continues: “Instead, the apparent leader of the police [defendant Thomas Duran] instructed another policeman to ‘Taser her!’ He stated in his report that the 86 year-old plaintiff ‘took a more aggressive posture in her bed,’ and that he was fearful for his safety and the safety of others. [Source]

Somebody, tell me this is a joke. Please.

It’s Better to Kill Them/Us There Than Here, Right?

The Washington Times reports that Mr. Change has said okey-dokey to whacking American citizens elsewhere if they satisfy somebody’s definition of a terrorist. Not sure who or what criteria, but hell, who cares, right? They’re terrorists. Or so we say and that’s all she wrote. “There are, in my mind, dozens of U.S. persons who are in different parts of the world, and they are very concerning to us,” said the dude pictured infra, John O. Brennan, deputy White House national security adviser for homeland security and counterterrorism. U.S. persons. How quaint.

On Feb. 3, Dennis C. Blair, then director of national intelligence, said in congressional testimony that special permission must first be obtained by military or intelligence forces before what he termed “direct action” strikes against American citizens.

The main weapon in recent CIA and U.S. military counterterrorism operations has been attacks with missile-equipped unmanned aerial vehicles in Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Somalia and Yemen. The administration has said it has killed dozens or perhaps scores of terrorists with these strikes over the past several years.

That practice was criticized in a report earlier this month authored by Philip Alston, the independent U.N. investigator on extrajudicial killings, who said the practice may violate international humanitarian law.

The American Civil Liberties Union in a letter to Mr. Obama on April 28 warned that the current program to kill terrorists in foreign countries would create a precedent for other countries to kill suspected terrorists all over the world.

We’ve already been tracking down U.S. nationals and U.S. passport holders who pose “security threats,” like the Yemen-based al Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, he said. He’s probably the umpteenth third in command.

And what if another country claims that we’re harboring one of their terrorist persons here? You guessed it, a rain of Predator strike across Cleveland. I mean, that’s fair, right?

This Says It All.

Let this be a lesson to you anent the incontinence-inducing vuvuzela.

He Wasn’t a Pedophile. He Was a Kid.

Michael Jackson was a kid. A kid trapped in an adult body. He was arrested development personified. And I humbly and respectfully submit that when he engaged in admittedly unlawful, illegal and inappropriate behavior with minor boys it was as a child himself. Illegal absolutely. But it was exploratory and childish. And childlike.

Repeat. This is not an excuse in any case whatsoever. It absolved him not from criminal exposure and liability. But what Jackson was was a child. A shunted, interrupted child.

A pathetic case of a twisted, scarred young man. But very talented.