LIONEL AUDIO: If You Don’t Act More Tolerant, I Swear I’ll Kill You!

You can’t make this stuff up. On one of my nightly New York WPIX Channel 11 news commentaries I did a parody on getting rid of the constitution. At least, I thought it was a parody. I thought it was patently obvious that my tongue was absolutely and firmly planted in my cheek. It was so obvious and without a gram of rational thought, surely (and, yes, I’ll call you Shirley) my WPIX viewers would notice. Wrong! I was besieged with congratulatory emails thanking me for finally putting to bed the crazy notion about rights and individual liberties. These constitutional nihilists agreed with everything I presented in parody.

Then in another commentary I addressed the idea of the fact that it is not, nor should it be, against existing law to wear baggy, saggy pants no matter how much they annoy our sartorial sensibilities. You know, the kind that gang bangers sport, the type of breeches style that was made famous in prisons. The reason, for the record, was that since all devices used to cinch the waist or lace shoes are removed in the hoosegow to prevent hangings and strangulation, VOILA! pants sagged. Latter day cultural historians somehow made the excruciatingly mind-boggling connection that how pantaloons were positioned denoted an affirmation and approbation of urban crime, gangs or whatever psychotic connection you may care to invoke.

These folks also think that majority rule is the law of the land. Take the brouhaha surrounding an Islamic cultural center sought to be built at or near the hallowed ground zero, which still is a gaping hole almost nine years after 9/11. The only way to permit our government to outright deny its construction because of the source of faith it represents is an absolute violation of the Free Exercise clause of the First Amendment. But, details, details. These Boeotians still labor under the delusion that we are a Christian nation and will always be one. Wow.

What I’ve concluded heretofore is that we are in dire need of a reeducation process (not the Mao version, mind you) to reacquaint folks with the basics, rudiments and tenets of a free society and how the constitution, that everybody seems to be totin’ and sportin’ at rally after rally, guarantees the right to look like a damn fool. These Archie Bunker types are a perennial problem, viz. some knucklehead decides that he’s the final arbiter of what’s acceptable. And what’s even more frightening is the constitutionally nescient rube who feels that we’ll all be hoist by our Bill of Rights petard if we continue to exert and defend our liberties. If there’s one thing that we can’t afford to do is to loosen what’s left of the increasingly protections we have left.

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