Monthly Archives: August 2010

LIONEL AUDIO: The Hematophagous Cimex Lectularius, Traumatic Insemination, No Need To Explain One’s Thought, Critical Thinking & Stuff

On today’s mélange, are you sitting down?

  • The dreaded bed bug (Cimex lectularius), that pesky hematophagous critter wreaking havoc on the country, especially New York, is discussed in full as is the incredibly interesting doctrine of traumatic insemination.
  • Critical thinking means never having to say you’re sorry or provide reasons explaining the validity of a thought by eliminating arguments theoretically posed by others anticipatorily. Just listen, you’ll understand.
  • Stress test gotcha at the U.S. Open.
  • Colonoscopies. Up periscope, Captain.
  • Myriad miscellany.

LIONEL AUDIO: Pretentious Haircuts, Glenn Speck, Birth Certificates, Jimmy Failin’ & Islamo-Fascist Memes

For your audio edification, I provide herein the follow areas covered in this disquisition.

  • The pretentious New York haircut.
  • The amazing Glenn Speck and how he infuriates the pathetic left who are unable to get anywhere near his popularity and couldn’t summon 300 people at a rally much less 300,000.
  • The never-ending issue of POTUS’s birth certificate: If he has one, why not produce it?
  • The Emmy Awards and the incredibly unfunny Jimmy Fallon who’s to comedy what Elena Verdugo is to string theory.
  • The continued meme of the dreaded Muslim Islamo whatever.

LIONEL AUDIO: In Matrimonium Ducere & My Anniversary

Today is my anniversary and I have decided that marrying my wife was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. Marriage, however, is the source of stupid jokes and comments from and for the pathetically-comedic. I do have two favorites, though: (1) The secret to a happy marriage is still a secret; and (2) Marriage is the agreement to support for life the daughter of a complete stranger. (Cue rim shot).

But in this disquisition I provide the following areas of explication and limning.

  • The legal implications of marriage.
  • Tenancy by the entireties and per tout et non per moi. (A real barn burner.)
  • The rise of divorce and why.
  • The expectation of failure and doom.
  • Unrealistic expectations of the young bride.
  • Communication and the certain death knell of the nuptials.
  • Why gay marriage makes complete and perfect sense.
  • And stuff disguised as miscellany.

LIONEL AUDIO: How I Almost Killed My Sister & Other Stuff

You say it’s your birthday
It’s my birthday too, yeah

Boy, those Beatles were something, huh?

In this installment, I address with excruciating detail the following items.

  • Thanks to the throngs of well-wishers on Facebook and the like who recognized the date of my entry into this Zeus-forsaken world.
  • A detailed account of how, on my 12th birthday, I almost killed my sister (infra) when I ran over her hair with a Hoover upright but no possible explication as to why.
  • Advances made in brain imagery that might explain why psychopaths are such by highlighting a detailing specific abnormalities.
  • The amazingly stupid Tiger Woods, hell-bent on sexual self-destruction evinced by seducing Botoxed and sutured trannies into submission.
  • My absolute awe of Glenn Beck and how he has trained the MSM to follow his every move.

LIONEL AUDIO: Mother Teresa’s Centenary & Other No Shi’ite Issues

Of all the no-brainers, celebrating Mother Teresa’s centenary is at the top of the list. There is no limb to climb out on over this issue. Yet, you’d never know that if you listen to the boneheads running the Empire State Building.

LIONEL AUDIO: Idiots, You’re Giving Away Your Privacy!

Not wanting to be a Cassandra, I attempt to tread upon this story very carefully. To enter into it without undue hysteria. But I can’t!

You idiots are being softened up to handle and withstand more and more levels of clandestine surveillance and eavesdropping. You’ve become Big Brother. You’ve no idea that every time you accede to ceding another area of privacy by voluntarily snatching up the latest doohickey that employs geotagging or GPS embedding in photos that you later upload(!), you’re a co-conspirator with predator corporate behemoths. You.

I’ve a special video commentary on PIX 11 News that explains this in greater and a more entertaining way as well as a nifty blog tutorial.

I’ve compiled some helpful websites, tools and articles that I hope are effective in impressing upon you that you can still enjoy your toys — as I do — with some minor tweaking. But notwithstanding that, this culture of ours is being habituated and softened up to accept and tolerate more and more surveillance that’s packaged as helpful and utilitarian. Wake up!

LIONEL AUDIO: Who Needs Phony Robbins?

I’m fascinated by the likes of spiritual hucksters like Deep Pocket Chopra and Phony Robbins who spew trite truisms directed towards the pathetic and socially bereft. The spiritually adrift and psychologically un-moored and clinically untethered. But it’s a free country and I love old professional wrestling and appreciate a work. So herein, I provide my tip for self-actualization. Take that, Maslow!

But in addition to this incredible home-learning course on the universal quiddity of self, I also mention a few other topics that round out the day’s lesson.

In no particular order I address the following.

  • The overlooked benefits of the Korean mani/pedi and the typical American male’s homophobia.
  • The Wikileaks founder has the trumped up and bogus charges of rape and molestation tossed.
  • God’s Jersey tomatoes and the significance of Solanum lycopersicum, a botanical fruit and culinary vegetable. Much like the late, great Dom DeLuise.
  • The ins and outs of distaff bisexuality versus ambisexuality.
  • And stuff.

LIONEL AUDIO: The Week’s Conclusion

Nothing can describe this. Nothing. I’ve got more topics covered than Carter’s got pills. I think I’m the only person to remember this hoary phrase. Fine, I’m hoary. But let me give you an idea of what’s covered in this topic pastiche.

  • My shattered, blood-caked knee.
  • The flatulence-generating qualities of allium sativum.
  • My fanatical Tweeting and how it almost cost me my life.
  • Police in southern Shenzhen City confirmed a patient’s claim that her anus had been sewn by a midwife suspected of taking revenge during the patient’s labor because she failed to receive a good tip. Hey, it happens.
  • Obama’s “hidden” life as a Muslim, Kenyan citizens and Venusian
  • UFO’s verity and how claims are dismissed without so much as a second of investigation.
  • 9/11’s elusive Building 7, the most fascinating attack on the rudiments of Newtonian physics.
  • The world’s biggest idiot, Roger Clemens.
  • The Stolen Valor Act found unconstitutional. Lie all you want, boys!
  • The sudden interest and awareness in and of the Bilderbergers thanks to Uncle Fidel.
  • A 104 year-old Japanese woman found mummified in her son’s backpack.
  • Jennifer Aniston and the dread R-word.
  • And Dr. Laura, milking that media teat for all it’s worth.
  • And stuff.

The audio mosaic contained herein is a work of art. Nonpareil.

LIONEL AUDIO: Hobbled, Lacerated & Most Contemplative Of Our World

This is perhaps one of my finest audio presentations. You see, whilst Tweeting and walking simultaneously, I fell to the sidewalk. I was scraped, bloodied and lacerated. There’s simply no way to look cool or suave when falling. Gravity’s a bitch. I stood up immediately, trying to hide the pain that coursed through my body, and advised an elderly woman who was concerned over my spill that I was just dandy, the hunk of patellar skin that was dangling conspicuously notwithstanding. I continued recording my thoughts which — to put it mildly — were even more desultory than normal.

Enjoy this tribute to miscellany. Enjoy the journey. In reviewing the topics covered for “tag” listing, I can’t remember a thing I’ve said. Perhaps it’s the concussion.

LIONEL AUDIO: Flatulence Miscellany, Maledicta & The R-Word

Hands down, this is my finest work of art heretofore. Let me explain.

First, through a series of recording snafus and screw-ups, I formatted one disk and effectively destroyed all that had been recorded save an addendum. That was saved. (Is that a pun?) Then I went back and proceeded to record one of the most beautiful streams of consciousness ever crafted by the hand of man. A veritable journey from efforts to rid the New Jersey statutory lexicon of the word “retarded” to the fun and hilarity of manufactured faux flatus. It defies description. It’s a thing of beauty. Nothing herein can prepare the listener accordingly. I then fused the two via digital adhesion and the final product is simply sublime.

Even I’m impressed; and I don’t impress easily.