Monthly Archives: September 2010 - Page 2

LIONEL AUDIO: Bladder Terror Inter Alia, Tea Party Realities & ‘Maters

The voiding cystourethrogram (infra) was a horror I endured as an adolescent. Waterboarding’s got nothing on this example of medieval urological terror. In my message, I clearly address the fact that if you can pee, be thankful. Enjoy the simple things in life. Like peeing, micturition or (the urologist’s preference) voiding, the simple things in life are what’s important. If you’re an older man, fret not that your stream can’t etch stone like it once did. You pee, therefore you are. Be thankful. And for tomatoes as well. I know, the two may not seem logically connected, but the again, neither do you. I explicate herein.

And speaking of painful bladder procedures, I’d rather drink bleach than listen to some of the bunkum passing for political commentary. The snark-fest of the MSNBC crew, so mindlessly and blatantly Obama obeisant, and the bumper sticker, cookie cutter, echo chamber, GOP claptrap of Fox — both miss the point of the tea party victories. If anything, it spells doom for the GOP and should inure to the benefit of Dems. But these folks have proven so politically maladroit, don’t count on them getting anything right.

Good day.

LIONEL AUDIO: The Liberal Media Are. And Stuff.

As statements of history go, Napoleon was right up there with “History is a set of lies that people have agreed upon.”

But nobody beats that coo-coo cat Tolstoy (infra), who gave us this beaut: “History would be a wonderful thing — if it were only true.”

We humans create history out of thin air. We concoct and spin a tale that we swear is history; we swear that it was this way or that. We convince ourselves that we’re verse in subjects that we know nothing about. We lie about having read the Bible, Constitution or the Qur’an. When events are too difficult to fathom or process we attribute all sorts of factors to and reasons for them — religion, astrology, fate, energy, karma. We provide a locus of control on the spot and to hell with anyone who says we’re wrong. We believe in the weird effects of the full moon, people dying in threes and swear that vitamin C can help if your sick. We have no idea why we say these things. We’ve not sure how we came upon these hypotheses and theories. Nope, we’re just one big anecdotal repository.

I’m just saying.

LIONEL AUDIO: Welcome to Fascist America!

Fascism. It’s gotten a bad name. Laurence W. Britt in Free Inquiry Magazine wrote in 2003 the now frequently cited “Fascism Anyone?” wherein he delimited the 14 characteristics of a fascist state.

To a secular humanist, these principles seem so logical, so right, so crucial. Yet, there is one archetypal political philosophy that is anathema to almost all of these principles. It is fascism. And fascism’s principles are wafting in the air today, surreptitiously masquerading as something else, challenging everything we stand for. The cliché that people and nations learn from history is not only overused, but also overestimated; often we fail to learn from history, or draw the wrong conclusions. Sadly, historical amnesia is the norm.

A secular humanist?! Perish the thought. That’s almost as bad as the situational ethicist or moral relativist. My own choice: unapologetic realist. The particular words are meaningless, they all describe in reality nothing.

LIONEL AUDIO: The Post 9/11 Mélange

The man pictured infra holds no relevance whatsoever to today’s audio blog. It’s an inapposite, even desultory inclusion for no other reason than his name cracks me up. Say it as written. I don’t know why, it just cracks me up ever since I first read of Mr. New Land in high school. The cadence, the timing. Dunno.

I’m particularly proud of today’s masterpiece. As you may have heard, Saturday was the ninth anniversary of 9/11 and, as you can imagine, I have a few thoughts on the subject. What this year’s commemoration will denote is the absolutely despicable dereliction of duty of the mainstream media in paying any attention to that reverend lunatic Terry Jones. There must be something about that name because his Monty Python counterpart likewise shares insanity.

Just listen for yourself. That’s the idea of audio, you know. Listen.

Ciro “The Artichoke King” Terranova (1889-February 20, 1938)

“We hardly knew ye.”

LIONEL AUDIO: Why I Loathe The Media, Facebook Insanity & 9/11 Mania

America couldn’t care less about the truth, but it loves a party. We love a crazy Flawda preacher feller from Gainesville who wants to burn the Qur’an. We love to talk about an Islamic cultural center that we refer to as a mosque that is to be built at the hallowed site of a Burlington Coat Factory in downtown Manhattan. And the MSM will cover every second of it all the while lamenting that they’re covering it. Tomorrow’s the ninth anniversary of that terrible Tuesday when our country changed for the worse. Forever. And in light of the foregoing, please find this, my latest installment of this thing of ours.

LIONEL AUDIO: The Impuissant Pastor Wimps Out

This man with the retro ‘stache wimped out and decided against the Qur’an barbecue. He’s an impuissant, feckless, atesticular charlatan. And if he’s a reverend, I’m Eleanor Roosevelt. He knew he wasn’t going to go through with the event because someone ‘splained to him, the facts. After he Googled the murder pictures of Theo van Gogh, I’ll bet the “Rev” here thought against it. Herein is my screed for your edification. It’s gratis. You’re welcome.

LIONEL AUDIO: The Day My Board Op Dropped The F-Bomb On Live Radio (And I’ve Got A Copy Of It – NSFW)

One day (ca. 1990) while I was manning the afternoon drive spot on 970 WFLA in my native Tampa, my board op didn’t know that his mic was hot (as in open) and after some technological snafu, he proceeded to drop a few F-bombs on live radio to the shock of the late news veteran Don Richards and the disgust of the entire Tampa Bay area who bore witness to the funniest moment in live radio ever. I happen to have a copy of that moment and play it in its entirety for you, my loyal paid subscriber. I’ve edited it not in the least. Here it is in all its rawness.

Anyone who had the privilege of listening during those halcyon days of talk radio will never forget the stable of absolute monster talent in my home town. Tampa Bay radio was premiere. Herein, I pay homage to those wonderful days and the incredible talk radio personalities how were inimitable, nonpareil and sui generis.

They were simply the best.

LIONEL AUDIO: It’s Never Safe.

In four short days the schmaltz, schlock and schpiel (versus a glockenspiel) will commence: the 9/11 trained seal show. The spin that will be spun, the usual suspects with the usual tune, it will go off without a hitch. (Funny, that’s not funny after Hitchens’s cancer diagnosis.) I can’t wait for the paralyzingly insipid analyses to begin.

As to the iconic cinema moment infra, I’ll never forget Szell imploring Babe to tell him if it’s safe. We all know how that went. It’s interesting how the dentist would be the practitioner of the excruciating. Were I the director, I would have opted for a urologist trying to run a Foley the hard way. Trust me, I’ll take a sadistic dentist any day over that.

Please enjoy this, my latest contribution to thought. I won’t even both to adumbrate what’s discussed. That’s what listening’s for.

LIONEL AUDIO: Tech Support With Swami Davis, Jr. & Stuff

I just spent almost an hour on the phone with a nice enough chap whose name I don’t believe is really “Kevin.” Yep, I was the latest victim of outsourcing. And what makes matters worse is the feller’s pushing me to complete a customer review survey after the tech support service call was completed. Are you kidding?! The first thing I would have said — because I don’t fill out these things and if I did, I haven’t the heart to say what I really mean, after all it could mean “Kevin’s ” job — is “I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND A WORD HE SAID!” Not to mention, let’s add to the mix of fun the fact that I was using an iPhone with a headset, thus allowing me to avoid unnecessary brain-sizzling radiation and to use the keyboard accordingly. There’s a minute gap in time sequencing between when I say something and Ol’ Kev responds, similar to that annoying Skype delay. So not only was I unable to make out what my outsourced support person was saying under the best of conditions, I had to add to the confusion the unnatural gaps and pauses in transmission. At the end of my session, my head was splitting and I vented with you immediately thereafter. Plus a bunch of other stuff was referenced wittily, e.g. Travolta’s latest gay spa circuit allegations and other stuff. Good day.

LIONEL AUDIO: My Reviews of “Machete” & “The American”

The latter was beyond stupid. Inane, disjointed and completely beyond anything that resembled reality. And, yes, I know that these movies are not documentaries but is it too much to ask for anything vaguely approximating reality? But, “Machete” was simply superb: schlock & awe.It will drive everyone crazy, every group will find something offensive about the film. It is genius in its universal ability to annoy and deeply offend.