Monthly Archives: November 2010

LIONEL AUDIO: Remembering Frank Drebin & Meeting Leslie Nielsen

I will never forget meeting Leslie Nielsen.

When I was with 970 WFLA in Tampa in the early 90’s, I had the opportunity to meet Leslie Nielsen at Wade Boggs’s annual charity softball game. After shaking hands, I was horrified by what I heard. It seemed that this most famous actor passed very audible gas in my presence. I didn’t say anything, embarrassed obviously for this poor man who must himself have been embarrassed. He wore very noticeable hearing aids so perhaps he didn’t hear his rather sonorous contribution.

Later when speaking with colleagues, especially my dear friend and Tampa legend (which is the subject of another paean altogether) Tedd Webb, I learned that they too had experienced Nielsen’s “gas-conade.” When confronted, he showed us the source of that unmistakably universal fanfare. Han-D-Gas. It was a device that we all had to have and were never without. It was secreted in one’s palm and was the source of more hilarious terror than I can even count: elevators, physicals and intimate moments. On more than one memorable occasion, I punctuated many an interview on TV and radio with that universally-recognized report to the horror and chagrin of the interviewer.

As Nielsen did to the horror of two British chat show hosts.

Godspeed, Frank Drebin. And on behalf of a grateful nation, thank you.

LIONEL AUDIO: Star_ucks, The Source of Me & The Quiddity Of Our Media

I can’t get it out of my head. I’m still stuck on Black Friday. It confounds me. In cataloging abnormal and aberrant human behavior, one of the main indicia of such is the lemming-like, sheeple convergence on Black Friday. And the media’s coverage. I can’t get enough of the story and the pschodynamics of “crowdthink.”

I’ve a few thoughts on the subject. My PIX 11 News commentary highlights such infra.

As you can see my disquisition on the subject is the model of pellucidity. (Ahem.) Or not. You know you’re on to a good topic when, as in the case here, you can substitute riot photos for actual Black Friday photos and no one’s the wiser. The audience absolutely sees that what you’re showing isn’t at all far-fetched. How fetching!

Discussed herein.

  • The source of my appreciation of the absurd
  • The miserableness of people
  • Women’s loud shoes
  • Whistlers and bad singers
  • Stuttering as a child and tricks to conquer such
  • New media, new delivery systems
  • Barney Fife and Ted Baxter: Two of the most important figures in our American culture

LIONEL AUDIO: Witzelsücht, Black Friday & Media Shifts

In(s)anity at the mall. Nothing can explicate adequately just how in(s)ane the notion of Black Friday truly is. Or how in(s)ane the folks are who make the annual trek to shopping outlets on cue in the queue like mindless, brainwashed sheeple. But I give it the college try.

Moria and Witzelsücht from Frontotemporal Dementia. This may explain the demented behavior that I simply cannot tolerate anymore on Facebook. From that of the amateur comedian who swears he’s funny — it’s just that no one else agrees.

Is this the same media? There’s a trend developing of alternative media sources and the more conventional yet intrepid such as Fox Business: reporting and discussing what just two years ago would have been dismissed as conspiratorial bunkum. America may be growing up.

LIONEL AUDIO: Happy Thanksgiving, One & All!

First, a video paean on and to this day of an almost Pavlovian obeisance to the notion of familial conviviality and engorgement. And stuff. The key is to be thankful and experience gratitude always. Because one day you too will die. So, live it up. I know some will view this as negative, but there’s nothing more life-centering than to acknowledge its evanescence. So there.

I’m a frustrated chef and love to learn new ways to cook. Cooking’s chemistry, physics, anatomy and art. Herein I provide a number of culinary tips and shortcuts including the greatest piece of equipment you can buy: a vertical roaster. Forget turkey, use this when you roast a chicken and you will thank me forever. Spanek makes a good one and has various sizes for every conceivable size of bird carcass. Commit yourself to learning how to cook or cook more if you already do. Chicken roasting is the subject of more cookbook treatises and with this doohickey it’s flawless every time.

So enjoy this day. That’s an order.

LIONEL AUDIO: Back On The “Air”! The TSA & The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Back again. After being attacked by malware, maladroit, malcontent and Mal Z. Lawrence, LIONELMEDIA is up and running and here’s the latest installment from me, your voice of unapologetic realism. This was intended at first as a general LIONEL AUDIO podcast for the general public, but after careful consideration I’ve come to the conclusion that $5.99 a month is a pittance for spoken word greatness.

Listen to Israel. It drives me considerably nuts when folks dismiss the suggestions of Israeli security experts because: (1) Israeli commercial air traffic is de minimis compared to ours; and (2) the sheer numbers of air passengers make impossible any comprehensive “profiling,” a word that evokes so much reaction from the incredibly nescient.

Hypnotic acquiescence. So instead we the sheeple follow the directives and orders of the TSA in a strange Pavlovian obeisance. Our will to resist has been all but destroyed. We’ve habituated to ever-increasing discomfiting intrusions by the government. And, frankly, the biggest problem stems from my fellow citizens who for the life of them can’t see what the big deal is about such talk of rights and personal freedom.

The indictment. The TSA policies are wrong for a host of reasons, viz. (1) The backscatter radiation field porn tubes are dangerous; (2) The recordation of nude images of passengers is wrong and in the case of children may be child porno; (3) The TSA procedures are maladapted for high brisance explosive detection; and (4) The very serious accusations of conflict of interest on the part of ex-DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff call into question the legitimacy of the government’s claim that the speed by which these units were introduced was a product of urgency for passenger safety versus an aggressive lobbying effort.

In any event, enjoy.


My tech folks have indicated that the problems plaguing the site have been corrected. New LIONEL AUDIO podcasts are forthcoming.

LIONEL AUDIO: The Significance of John Tyner & Americans Finally Care About Something!

John Tyner is my hero. This Tom Brady doppelgänger who could eat an apple through a tennis racket gave us the cri de coeur “Don’t Touch My Junk!” Move over “Don’t Tase me, Bro!” This is the battle cry of the ages.

In my PIX 11 Commentary, contained infra, I explain the side-splitting hilarity of seeking to prosecute a fellow for (a) leaving a security area (b) at the behest of the TSA. Did you get that? He’s being investigated for leaving a security post; but he left at the direction of the cops. Yep, you read right.

The plot thickens. To be continued.

LIONEL AUDIO: TSA Tyranny Hits Home. My Wife Gets Groped In The Fight Against Terrorism!


I have been trumpeting the concerns about full body scanners for quite a while. And now, the public is speaking up against them. Finally.

And it really hit home when my wife was groped Sunday by a TSA goon at the Tampa Airport after she was singled out for a “random” yet compulsory pass through the radiation field and nude body porno scanner. She was never given a chance to walk through the magnetometer like everybody else. Was never offered to be wanded. No, it was the porno radiation chamber or being felt up by a blue-gloved TSA thug. She suffered the latter.

I commented on this harrowing experience during my PIX 11 Commentary.

There’s a groundswell of objections to this rogue group of mindless authority junkies who are encouraged from the bottom down. here seems to be no rationality. No connection between doing what’s necessary but reasonably. This mindless Pavlovian obeisance to anything the government orders is per se un-American.

  • Former DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff is pushing full body scanners because he happens to be the company’s lobbyist. Coincidence? What is rarely mentioned is that the Chertoff Group, his security consulting agency, represents a manufacturer of the machines. Remember, this scanning program is brought to you via a $735 Million gift from taxpayers. You’re paying for this! [Source]
  • This is a systematic method to soften up American sheeple and get them acclimated to greater and more intrusive privacy violations.
  • A TSA employee reportedly admitted pat-down involving touching of genitals meant to intimidate people into using body scanners. [Source]
  • Officials and experts from various disciplines have called into question the safety of the radio employed. They say that the low level beam does deliver a small dose of radiation to the body but because the beam concentrates on the skin — one of the most radiation-sensitive organs of the human body — that dose may be up to 20 times higher than first estimated. [Source] And the more the government swears to its safety, the more suspect I am. Remember, I don’t believe anything until it’s officially denied.
  • And if you think you’ve heard it all, watch this. Remember, this is America. I think.

LIONEL AUDIO Returns Monday.

In honor of the Zoroastrian holiday, the LIONEL AUDIO will return Monday.

LIONEL AUDIO: My Veterans Recognition Plan

Simply put: a recognition of veterans and an apology for the virtual abandonment they’ve suffered at the hands of a callous, uncaring government. Plus, my thoughts on voluntary service by teenagers that they will adamntly reject and understandably so.